Kristin Fields Chadwick

Tomorrow the world stops turning. No seriously. The pit in my stomach will have reached highest of levels since I was a child standing crying my eyes out as my parents drove away at camp. “Please don’t go! Don’t leave me here!” Very dramatic. My mom leaves to go back home to GA tomorrow. Then it is just me as the mom. No double mommin’ it anymore. I have to hike up those big girl panties way up high and face this thing head on. “I AM A MOTHER OF FOUR!” Granted, we have soooooooooo much help. My sweet husband has given me hope by taking off a few more days as we transition back into our own world. And my sweet mom-in-law is taking off a day next week to come and help. And of course, the many friends who have helped with making yummy meals. (I don’t EVEN want to think about having to cook dinners again). Wow. We are blessed. And yet, the fear of it all is overwhelming. I guess (this has been my latest self-revelation) I am fearful of losing all control. I see it when I start to lose it with Copey or Ry- I get more and more frustrated with myself. Like this morning, I tried to get ready all by myself to prepare myself for the upcoming days. So this was my morning-
Woke up too late to even start feeding Hoops and Yoyo before Copey and Ry awoke. I walked around making breakfast while attaching Hoops and Yoyo on my breast trying to relax and please each child. It actually went pretty smooth. After breakfast, the usual morning battle with Copey began of getting ready for school. The usual Destructo Ry was in full force pulling things down off the counter and smearing his leftover banana on the couch. Then, both babies started crying. I needed to get dressed because Copey wanted mommy to take her to school today. So, there I was trying to get dressed with two screamin’ babies, one toddler obsessed with turning on/off the light of the bathroom and flushing the toilet over and over and over and a four year old who constantly argues/debates whatever I ask her to do. It was a little glimpse into the very near future. My eyes swelled up as I got mad at my toddler and yelled at my sweet girl just trying to find her independence through it all and frustrated at my sweet babies. So, new plan- wake up BEFORE all the children wake up (at least the older ones) and nurse and get myself ready. This morning dug in deep to my feeling of loss of control. I may not REALLY be in control if I wake up earlier but at least it will make me feel a little bit more on top of the game.
So, tomorrow I will take a deep breath and try to acknowledge my sense of sadness and fear and then…. SUCK IT UP, BIG GIRL. God is faithful and always there. He will not leave me. He does not give me more than I can handle. He is my Constant. On this, I stand.