Week 38 day 3:
In every way, I am weak. Never have I felt this low physically and mentally. My sleep is little because of itching and racing thoughts and anxieties. My body looks like I have some disgusting disease lurking right underneath my skin. I am ashamed to show any part of my skin. I am uncomfortable when I do. The itch is psychotic. And in the midst, I feel two little boys squished in my belly and preventing me from walking normal. Emotionally, I am a roller coaster of weepiness and exhaustion. And of excitement and anticipation. Yesterday was a classic example of the roller coaster. I awoke with such a peace within me about when they were coming. Life goes on. Things other than this are going on. And they will come when they need to come. Women I love dearly encouraged me throughout the morning saying “you are so strong!” and “you should be so proud to have carried the twins this long!” and “you truly are amazing.” But the day rolled on and as soon as my husband walked in the door, the tears came. The raw-ness of brokenness, of weakness, of exhaustion, of being stretched came to a head and I broke down in full sobs on his shoulder. I want to scream at God and say, “SERIOUSLY! I am done! You have already stretched me further than I ever thought! Why are you letting this linger?!!” My sweet husband just let me cry and prayed over me. And tried to encourage me with these words, “You are strong, My Love!” But that was it… I AM NOT! This isn't me! I have no idea, other than His Strength, that I am doing this. I don't want to be the “strong one” anymore.
I have tried to be rational with myself and saying things like, “Kristin, you should be so thankful you have those babies in there! Safe and sound.” Or, “Look around you at all the heartaches that are true heartaches like friends who are losing loved ones or are experiencing heartaches that are much more serious.” And it works and I do feel so much compassion for those who are in constant physical pain for their entire lives. But I am human, and begin to focus on “me” again. Even as I write this I am thinking to myself, “Wow, I am so self-absorbed right now!”
So bare with me, friends and family. I am at my weakest. My most raw point I have experienced. And who knows what the next couple of months will be like with sleepless nights and two infants and two toddlers and life rolling on, but it will be different than this. The verses that keep rolling back into my head for encouragement are these:
James 1: 2-3 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.