Spirits down. Heavy burdened. Trying desperately to see the blessing in the trial. But it hit swiftly this morning. As my two year old proudly took his glass cup to the sink and threw it into the glass piled dishes in the sink, glass shrapnels fall on the floor, in the sink, on the counter…on little toes. Just like that, in an instant. It represented so much. I have lost. My world of staying strong in this LONG journey of trials collapsed. Tears strolled down my face. I feel the endurance in me fade away. I want to give up. I want to sit my butt on this floor and not do one more thing. So many people have commented, “How do we do it? Your attitude has really been amazing through all this.” Until now…I am a sad case today. Emotions so near to the surface. I am normally one to not worry about tomorrow and usually trust in Him. But today, I am raw. I question, “What are you doing, Lord?” And it wasn't all because of a broken dish…but it hit deep in my soul.
Remarkably, we made it to my sweet Bible Study today with all four kids in tow. I am sure they think I have fallen off my rocker. The oldest taking on much more responsibility than she needed, it breaks my heart. But what do I do, when I, the mother, am having a tantrum? The whole morning, I hold back tears. Was I just containing it for so long? Or am I just NOW at the place of brokenness where only He can lift me up?
It is quiet now. Back at home. Sleep whispering in each boys' ears right now…and in turn, whispering peace in mine. I opened up an intriguing book I am reading by Derek Prince and read this:
But we are warned that we must “let patience (endurance) have its perfect work” (James 1:4). In other words, we must continue to endure until God's purpose has been fully worked out and He brings the trial to an end.
Very seldom does God tell us in advance, “This challenge will last six months.” So it may happen that after five and a half months a person will say, “I can't take any more of this; I give up!”
How sad! Another fifteen days of enduring and God's purpose would have been accomplished. Yet now such a person will have to undergo another challenge, designed to deal with the same character defect. In fact, God will not withdraw His tests and chastening until His purpose has been accomplished.
With these pungent words stinging my flesh now, I wonder what all this means. What is the meaning of these trials? Have we endured long enough? Or have we failed? I would love your thoughts if you have a moment…thank you.