Spirits down. Heavy burdened. Trying desperately to see the blessing in the trial. But it hit swiftly this morning. As my two year old proudly took his glass cup to the sink and threw it into the glass piled dishes in the sink, glass shrapnels fall on the floor, in the sink, on the counter…on little toes. Just like that, in an instant. It represented so much. I have lost. My world of staying strong in this LONG journey of trials collapsed. Tears strolled down my face. I feel the endurance in me fade away. I want to give up. I want to sit my butt on this floor and not do one more thing. So many people have commented, “How do we do it? Your attitude has really been amazing through all this.” Until now…I am a sad case today. Emotions so near to the surface. I am normally one to not worry about tomorrow and usually trust in Him. But today, I am raw. I question, “What are you doing, Lord?” And it wasn’t all because of a broken dish…but it hit deep in my soul.

Remarkably, we made it to my sweet Bible Study today with all four kids in tow. I am sure they think I have fallen off my rocker. The oldest taking on much more responsibility than she needed, it breaks my heart. But what do I do, when I, the mother, am having a tantrum? The whole morning, I hold back tears. Was I just containing it for so long? Or am I just NOW at the place of brokenness where only He can lift me up?

It is quiet now. Back at home. Sleep whispering in each boys’ ears right now…and in turn, whispering peace in mine. I opened up an intriguing book I am reading by Derek Prince and read this:

But we are warned that we must “let patience (endurance) have its perfect work” (James 1:4). In other words, we must continue to endure until God’s purpose has been fully worked out and He brings the trial to an end. 

Very seldom does God tell us in advance, “This challenge will last six months.” So it may happen that after five and a half months a person will say, “I can’t take any more of this; I give up!” 

How sad! Another fifteen days of enduring and God’s purpose would have been accomplished. Yet now such a person will have to undergo another challenge, designed to deal with the same character defect. In fact, God will not withdraw His tests and chastening until His purpose has been accomplished. 

With these pungent words stinging my flesh now, I wonder what all this means. What is the meaning of these trials? Have we endured long enough? Or have we failed? I would love your thoughts if you have a moment…thank you.

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2 Comments

  1. Oh Kristin, this breaks my heart. But know that you are deeply loved. Know that the brokenness of our feelings and this world, aches our Father's heart too. He hates seeing us hurting and in pain. His only desire is that we cry and shout out to Him, that he can proudly say, yes, my daughter, keep talking to me and share your desires and thoughts with me, showing him our love. Unfortunately, our love with him and his with us is the only thing that will woo us enough to keep plugging along. I've been in that very same moment this past summer before I had spinal surgery, not wanting to move, in such chronic physical pain at my age. I was done being tough and trying and all I wanted was to stop. Thankfully, my friends were close and by the very mumble of my words, they stepped in to show me how much I'm loved, adored, seen and cared for. Same goes for you. I'm so thankful now that I didn't give up and able to truly see his beauty and amazing love that he really has for me. I hope this for you, Kristen, keep on a keeping on. It's totally worth it. Loves. Praying for encouragement to you. The way you love your kids, blog and post about them often inspires me. Your beauty and love does not go unseen, my dear.

  2. That's an interesting perspective on James, although I'm not sure I believe that's how God works. I think He knows our limits and our breaking point. To think that by us throwing in the towel will keep His purpose from being accomplished, gives us way to much power. God will accomplishing His purpose in His perfect timing, not based on if we go along with it or not. I even think He can accomplishment it without our full cooperation. I've been there and went kicking and screaming only to see the blessings later and able to be even more in awe at what He accomplished in spite on me! You can cry, kick and scream and vent in those moments. He isn't surprised; He knows you inside and out and will only hug you tighter and carry you through. Sometimes it's easier to be carried than walk along side. Love ya!!


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