The past few days I have been prepping for a 10 Day Transformation that starts on Monday. It will include a cleanse and fasting and more importantly, some revelation of my relationship with God, relationship with myself, and my body and food.
This is big for me. Huge. Ginormous. I have started to uncover some unhealthy parts of my psyche that the Lord is so patiently nudging me to let go. He has whispered for a long time for me to submit my need for control over what I eat and put in my body. I never would have realized my subconscious need for control without some sweet friends and prayer uncovering so much deeply hidden things in my being. It is hard to admit that I have had an addiction to food and drinks. I have revolved my day around food and coffee. The longing to just roll out of bed and make it to the coffee maker. The goal to make it to take the kids to school so that I can go have another coffee to make it through the morning. This is so hard for me to admit because it sounds so utterly stupid and silly. But it is real. I joke for my need of coffee. I joke for my need of “I can make it through the day if I just have…” But could this really be something that deep? Why would a warm cup of liquid become such a trigger?
There is so much psychology behind all this. I am becoming more and more aware of the psychology of eating in all this. (Check out this intriguing subject at http://www.psychologyofeating.com) It is purely fascinating. My dad recommended a book a few years back called “The Power of Habit.” It speaks of why we form habits. We talked about writing down what it was I was feeling during a certain habit that I had created. Well, I think with the coffee addiction it started with having the twins. I was so deliriously tired and out of control. My health had taken a serious turn for the worse. Sleep was sparse. My children’s health was a top priority with various issues. There was much going on in our life on top of just having twins with two older children. SOOOO a sweet precious moment of silence I would drive through the St. Arbuck’s drive thru, and moments later a warm comfort in the palm of my hand and four children quiet in my car and for a moment in control of my environment. It was an innocent thing. It was a sweet help in a time of desperate measures. Well, fast forward four years and it is all I can do to say “no” to a coffee. Again, this is bigger than the coffee (coffee may be just fine for you) but this is the primary example in my life. It’s about what is underneath.
For instance, as I was journaling and praying this morning…what if my body and all that it has been through in the last 4 years were a blessing to reveal something deeper…
-What if the fatigue I feel now is a sign that I TRULY need rest and this is the only way to MAKE my spirit-mind-body slow down?
-What is my brain fog is genuinely an outward symptom of an inward problem of pollution in my thoughts?
-What if all my autoimmune stuff was an outward cry to accept and love who I was created to be?
My friends, THIS is huge. It is time to dig real deep.
I know this will be a long journey, not just 10 days. I know this will be tough. But I do see hope. I see hope for a breakthrough. I see hope for working through the hard, hidden beneath so much layers of protection. And this (journaling) is apart of the process.
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