Kristin Fields Chadwick

CIO- this stands for something that in my gut hurts so much but I know its for the best. Crying It Out. Ry is now a little older than three months, so as some experts say he is old enough to learn how to soothe himself to sleep. He’s fed, clean, burped, and sleepy. All the ingredients to him easily drifting off to sleep. But nope. He’s screaming and so mad. You can tell he is a boy by his cries- he grunts and grrs, which is kind of humorous. I remember when Copeland was this age and listening to her CIO made me cringe. It seemed like it took forever. I remember, too, waiting with my mom for her to conk out and we agreed, “Whew, she is strong-willed.” HA! We had no idea what was to come. Copeland’s strong willed self has tested me in ways that I never knew was within me to be tested. I thought I was a patient person until I became a mother. I realize all the selfishness within me. This past weekend, to say the least, has been a doozie on me. Let me list the reasons why:
1. It was our designated weekend to spend at Nanna and Granpy’s while Josh renovated some things in our house so we could FINALLY put it on the market.
2. Copey came down with strep throat Friday morning.
3. I ate dairy- totally selfish.
4. Ryker MAD about me eating dairy.
5. Dairy takes almost two weeks to completely get out of my system.
6. Everybody is exhausted.
7. Every night someone was awake every hour.
8. Stressed out husband.
9. Stressed out wife/mom.
10. Oh, and did I mention…for some reason instead of Cope taking on the “sweet sick kid” personality she took on the “Ms. Sassi-pants” personality.

All those to say, it was a crappy weekend. Last night, out of sleep deprivation, I told myself- “I am an inadequate mom and wife.” As I told myself this lie, it pierced within me. All I wanted to do was retreat. Retreat back to my place of comfort. I just wanted to crawl in my mom’s bed, just as I did all throughout growing up when I got scared or lonely. I wanted to snuggle up and just let all worries and stresses and disappointments and fears fade away- just for a night. But I am 27 years old and also thousands of miles away from that comfy bed and those warm arms. I am called to stand strong for our family. It is all about leaving and cleaving, right?!

I apologize for the downer posts lately, I think this is a rough season in my life. But it is helpful to write and get it all down. So for all those who have the patience to read this, thank you.